i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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