I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
