WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
