I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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