I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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