I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
