I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
