there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
