I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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