I can text with my tongue
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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