I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
