guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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