Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Little spoons don't ask big questions
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
