they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
