i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
