My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
