Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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