Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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