I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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