remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
