i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
