i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
