So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
