I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
