I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
