I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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