chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
