That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
