I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
