Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
