Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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