i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
