You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
