WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize