He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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