chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
