Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im holly from the hills drunk
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
