Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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