Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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