sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
