eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
