I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
