i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
