I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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