proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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