Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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