So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
