An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
FUCK WHALES
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
