and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
