I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
