maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
