Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
