i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
