Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
