Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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