I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
