I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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