You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
